Staying online for hours doing nothing
Monday, October 27, 2008
-4:20 PM
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.
On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?"
The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?"
The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?"
The blonde responded, "20, right?"
Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?"
"3?" said the blonde.
The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
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There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.
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Oh, but there are also MALE blonde jokes!
A wife and her blonde husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbor's dog was barking. This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.
Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this." So he gets up, puts on his robe and goes down stairs and out the back door. A little while later, he comes back.
"What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the wife.
"I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."
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An old farmer was driving home from from his annual trip to the city when he saw a couple of blonde tree farmers planting their crop by hand. As he had some extra time on his hands, he stopped to watch, but couldn't believe his eyes as they dug holes and filled them back in without dropping in any seeds or seedlings.
Finally his curiosity got the best of him so he got out of his car and walked over to talk with them.
"What are you guys doing?" he asked.
"Planting trees," they said in unison.
"But where is the seed or seedlings?" he asked.
"Oh," one said, "normally there are three of us. He digs the holes, Jimmy plants the seedling, and I fill the hole. But Jimmy is out sick today."
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
Sunday, October 12, 2008
-3:09 PM
HAH! I BEAT YOU MISS LIOW!
Also, here's my new shit book.
Its called Velocity by Dean Koontz. Used it well this evening.
Friday, October 10, 2008
-12:46 PM
3 weeks here, and I've done a fair bit of shopping for essentials. But today, I realized I'm missing a crucial item. My 'shit book'.
What the fuck is a shit book, you ask?
A shit book is something most of you probably have too. Its the book you read when you're taking a dump. For me, back in Malaysia my shit book was a biography of a handicapped man, who made it big in sports.This may come as a surprise to many of you but yes, I DO READ! I've read the book over and over again, from his early days of how he dealt with life as a handicapped person - being ridiculed in school, discriminated and his difficulty of coping with life all the way till he succeded in tennis. Its a real eye opener, and makes taking a hard dump seem easier.
So anyway, the main issue is my lack of a shit book. Again, another fact which many of you are not aware of - I am a regular shitter. I dump daily, on a healthy day even twice a day. Each dump = 20 minutes. 2 dumps = 40 minutes. As a result, tomorrow I'll be going to the bookstore to pick up my new shit book. OH WAIT, I CANT!
Why again, some of you may ask. Because, I GOT INVITED TO PLAY FOOTBALL!
HAHA SUCKERS!
Friday, October 3, 2008
-3:35 PM
LIMP BIZKIT STOP ASKING ME TO 'SHUT THE FUCK UP'.
Lol random. But thats a very nice song. Read the lyrics, very eye-opening.
-1:53 PM
Hello all from Sheffield!
Got here a few days ago. Weather has been alright. The temperature is gradually dropping but as you all know, I have a solid amount of blubber to keep me warm so worry not. As I type, my mini weather machine tells me the temperature outside is 3 fuggin degrees! And its not even winter yet.
My room is alright. Actually this room is great, the apartment is great and the community is alright. The only thing that sucks here is the location. Its a 15 minute bus ride from the city, which is where all my friends live. And not only that, when I get back to Endcliffe Crescent which is where I live, I have to walk in the dark for another 7 minutes to get back to my room. My apartment is a new building thats why they've not properly furnished the area, hence the lack of streetlights. Thats a scary thing when you're walking alone at night with no one for company. People keep telling me :
1.) it provides you a good time to think about life
2.) its good exercise, can lose weight
3.) walk abit in the dark nothing to be scared one lar okay
Well my dear friends, the only thing I can think about everytime I walk past that stretch is the image of a long haired shaggy man jumping at me and murdering me in cold blood, or another vision - this happened just now - someone following me. Scary like Add Math okay! Next time I take picture show you guys. Now for the not so murderous bit, my room.
toilet + cupboard + door
upper shelf which contains 15 packets of tomyam maggi and 2 large packets of Julie's peanut butter biscuits
temporarily empty board
bed which lacks a bed sheet. its in my laundry bag.
study table. still on the neat side.
Missed my first football match here due to my lack of time reading abilities. Who would have made the mistake of assuming 14:00 as 4 pm?! I FUCKING DID! When I reached the pub, the game ended. But at least we won the Merseyside derby. Then for my second match I made sure I got there 45 minutes early. Sat with a guy called John. He bought me a beer, damn big jug. Then obviously I would have to buy him one, and I ended up drinking 2 LARGE JUGS OF BEER. He ended up drinking 5. We beat PSV 3-1. Kudo's to our milestone busters!
Also, I've met the Malaysian community here. Only met a few of them but apparently there are about 50 of them! So far I've met a few of them. Malcolm and Weng Tze are the two we hang out with the most. Very nice people. And today a few more Malaysians, Jiar Li and Raychel and Priya and Wan Lin. Or something.
Class is boring. Seriously! Fell asleep during my first lecture. Property law. Bought some textbooks already. Wahlaowei EU Law book fuggin thick! Thought wanna carry laptop to class to lanci, now cannot already. The book enough to make me wanna die.
Will be signing off now, stay tuned for more updates. If you are good people, you will contact me at
07876364982 on my 'mobile'
or my address : Apartment G3
Lawrencefield Apartments
18, Endcliffe Crescent
Sheffield S10 3AN
I miss you guys heaps. KEEP IN TOUCH YOU ASSES! Will try to update more often.
HAH! I BEAT YOU MISS LIOW!